Top 10 Political Blogging Tricks - Charlotte Gore

6.20.00pm BST (GMT +0100) Wed 19th Aug 2009

To celebrate the close of voting for Iain Dale's 'Oo's got the best blog then?' competition (in which, if you recall, I'm aiming to beat last year's 46th 'Best' Lib Dem blog) I thought I'd post my own highly suspect guide to writing a political blog in the form of another Top 10 list. Follow this and you can't possibly go wrong. Trust me.. would I lie to you?

#10. Join a Party

Seems obvious really, but you're not allowed to blog about politics unless you're a party member, and importantly if you're not writing about general party politics or political ideology then you're not really writing about politics at all. So there.

#9. Make sure you're On Message

Before you post a single thing, make sure you're familiar with your party's policies and principles. This is crucial - going against your party is the fast track to a spanking from London and other party members turning their back on your shiny new blog. You want people to like you, right? So make sure you're telling everyone what they want to hear.

#8. Blog Design REALLY MATTERS

To be a truly successful blogger you MUST:

• Lots and lots of advertising. Sign up with Google Adwords, Message Space and every other thing that'll have you. A blog without adverts doesn't look professional.

• Lots of buttons, widgets and if your blogroll doesn't have at least 200 links then you're going to look like a noob. Don't be a noob. Think of it like modding a car. If you can fit it, you should fit it, because the more junk the MOAR AWESOME your blog is.

#7. Troll like you Mean It

Trolling is the art of being deliberately provocative in the aim of getting a reaction. As far as blogging goes the winner is the person who gets the most reactions - the ultimate win is to troll the BBC or Sky News, but that's only for the professionals - for now, you want to troll other bloggers. Get yourself over to Wikio, go through the Top 100 and find something you disagree with - then write your own response - don't worry about being right or wrong - the important thing is to be as annoying and stupid as possible, because that's what gets the biggest reaction. Link back to the original post and any other blog posts you can find that might be relevant.

Those bloggers, being notified about the links, will stumble across your effort and, amazed by your stupidity, will feel unable to resist explaining to their readers why you're so incredibly wrong.

Congratulations. You've successfully trolled. Don't worry about what people will think of your incredibly stupid writing. There's always people that will agree, no matter what you write. Just hold your nerve.

#7a (Bonus) Pick a fight with Tim Ireland

The fast track to internet fame, if your trolling isn't working out as well as you hope, is to pick a fight with Tim Ireland. You won't regret it. As much free publicity as you can possibly handle is yours, assuming you find the right combination of words to incur Tim's wrath. A little bit of research is all it takes to discover the buttons to push.

It doesn't have to be Tim, of course - the trick is to find a blogger that cares what complete strangers think, unload your opinion in their face then wait for steam to come out of their ears.

#6. Jargon makes you look clever

The more 'isms' the better, but that's just the start. You must - absolutely must - reference as many philosophers, politicians and political science jargon as you can possibly squeeze into each post. The trick is to hide the fact you haven't got a clue what you're talking about in huge layer of academic waffle so that the readers blame themselves for not understanding what you're talking about. Everyone will assume you're a genius and will go out of their way to boast that they think your blog is superb because it makes them look clever, too.

#5. Facts are for losers

The last resort of the loser who's been on the receiving end of a rhetorical blog-lashing at your merciless hands is quoting facts. Bah. Facts. Truth. Reality.

These things are NOT the concern of the successful blogger. The correct response to someone presenting you with 'facts' to counter one of your blog posts is to call them names and make suggestions about their personality. After all, someone might be armed with facts but no-one wants to take the side of a paedophile. Fight the man, not the ball. If you punch the man in the nuts, you've got the ball all to yourself.

#4. Sycophancy will get you Everywhere

If trolling doesn't work, the alternative is to flatter the arse off as many top bloggers as you possibly can. Seriously. Write blog posts gushing about the efforts of anyone you like - just make sure you really pile on the love. Trust me, this never fails. Just make sure you flatter lots of bloggers - you don't want to look like a stalker, which is what might happen if you focus on just one person.

#3. Never give up. Never surrender

Occasionally name calling might not work. You might be tempted to admit defeat, to say, hey, I'm wrong. Some people on the internet have occasionally read books and might actually understand the subject you're talking about better than you do.

Trust me - never give up. You give up even once it looks really bad. If you hold your ground and just shout louder and louder then they'll respect your tenacity - and don't forget, no matter what you say there's always going to be people that will take your side - especially if you stick with the Golden Rule number 9 - Always Be On Message. The weight of a whole party behind you… woo.. they can't argue with that, no matter how many 'books' they've read.

If you give up then those people taking your side will be crushed. You've not just admitted you're wrong - you've told your newfound followers that they're wrong too… and they won't forgive you for that easily.

No, the trick is to stick to your guns, no matter what. People respect that.

#2. In case of Emergency, invoke Cultural Relativism

You can argue against someone's opinion, but you can't argue with the fact that it is someone's opinion. As far as blogging goes, this is the magic ingredient. "Yes," you'll write, "but it's what I believe, and who's to say what I believe is any less valid than what you believe?" and, dumbfounded they'll admit they're powerless to argue and promptly declare you the winner.

If someone starts spouting nonsense about how there are some things that are a matter of fact rather than opinion, condemn them as old fashioned absolutists and remember step 5 - name calling is a way to make sure people don't want to side with your enemy.

#1. Always Invoke The Majority

As far as 'can't lose' strategies go, you've already got a few - stick with the Party line and you'll have an army of people with your 'back' as they say. Fight the man, not the ball to avoid getting into debates about 'facts'. Invoke cultural relativism so you reduce everything to 'you've got your opinion, I've got mine'. This turns political debates into little more than popularity contests - so armed with flattery and trolling you'll no doubt be able to declare yourself the 'winner' of all your blogging battles.

What ties all this together though? What's the true secret to becoming a true 'teflon blogger' that causes outrage (and thus wins lots of readers and followers)? It's invoking the majority. If 'everyone' thinks it, then it doesn't matter if it's true or not. Your opponents will realise they're not just arguing with you - they're arguing against everyone, and that makes them some sort of internet crazy and thus the loser by default.

There you have it. Charlotte Gore's Guide to Ultimate Blogging Success. Let's hope this time next year someone who's read this and taken it to heart will find themselves in Iain's Top Blogs list. Let's face it, how can you lose?